Archive for ‘the girls’

December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve, grieving.

Our card2

Christmas Eve and a Wonderful one at that, (more about that later).  It was a truly special day except that my kids were gone for most of it.  And I hate, hate, hate that.  I hate that I miss moments with them.  I hate that I have to share them.  I hate that they are missing for parts of all holidays.  And I am not minimizing that tonight.  I am not shoving it or ignoring it.  I am grieving it.  I am proud of myself for getting them all tucked in and the ex out the door before I started crying.  And I am not overwhelmed with sadness, but I am sad.  This was never my plan.  I never wanted this.  When I said “I do”, as they grew in my tummy, when I held their little baby selves, never did I imagine that I would be sending them kicking and screaming, to their dad’s girlfriend’s house on holidays.  Never did I fathom that I would spend Christmas afternoon at home alone in a quiet house.  My heart aches when they are gone spending time with some other family, people I don’t even know, people they barely know.  And my heart breaks every time I have to pull them off of me and put them in his car.  I know my situation could be much worse, but I don’t have to like it.  I know there is nothing I can change but myself and my attitude.  But my babies are my babies and my feelings are my feelings.  I know there are plenty of families out there that do holidays this way and it’s not the end of the world.  This Mom thing though, it is all I ever wanted.  These Little Wonders, they are my whole life, my heart running around in four little pieces and no part of me is okay with sharing them tonight.  There is so much redemption running through my story right now thanks to some Very Special People, and I am quite certain that more is coming, but tonight I am one very sad momma.  And so I am taking this all to Jesus because that seems like the Most Helpful Thing. Lighter, happier stuff to come I'm sure.  Merry Christmas and all that Jazz.

Love, love,


November 10, 2010

My Heart

Oh this little girl… She is my heart. 

And she knows it.  And there are days when it is oh so hard not to be wrapped around her little finger.  And there are days when she utterly exhausts me with all of her passion and sensitivity.  (No idea where she gets that from.)  This girl, she is everything I didn't even know I meant when I said I needed a girl.  Of course, all of my Loves are incredibly special to me. Griffen is my joy I think, and Gabe is my peace, and Grace is my Strength.

 And this girl, she is my heart. 

July 28, 2010

The Monkeys

    Seven days without My Loves was all kinds of wonderful.  I rested, read, danced, cleaned, coffee'd alone and coffee'd with friends.  And every time somebody asked if I missed the kids I would pause for a second to check myself and then reply "Nope" and then go on for a few minutes defending myself and why I didn't miss them.  I mean, I love these Monkeys for sure.  This summer has been an amazing summer so far.  Busy, but amazing.  We've done a ton of stuff together, filled everyday with as much free and exhausting fun as possible.  And so the little staycay was fabulous and much needed. 

    Having them back though, well it's like…  having My Loves again after not seeing them for seven days.  We're all kisses and cuddles and "I love you so, so much!"  Everyone is, it's awesome.  And mornings are the best.  Starting around six or seven in the morning, one by one they start piling in my bed.

We cuddle and doze while the sun inches over the back fence. 


Gabe wakes up slowly, tossing and turning to find the last bits of shadows to sleep in.

Emmy is bright eyed, ready for breakfast as soon as the light hits her face. 

They fight over who gets to share my pillow.  We have tickle fights and whisper I-love-you's . 


It's magic I tell you, bliss and I never want to forget it. 

Grace comes in for kisses, hugs, to check on us and to start planning the day.

Griff lazily scoots in last, eyes half closed.  He comes straight over and throws his arms around me and waits out the last few minutes before he has to take the dog for a walk.     

    And I'm sure there can't be many more mornings like this left- lazy summer days where we can spend twenty minutes soaking up every bit of softness and warmth from last night's sleep.


So for now I'll just relish all this cozy sunshine cuddling while I can.

(Before Grace starts bossing me around about what to make for breakfast.)


It's highly recommended, a fantastic way to start the day.  

Love, love.

July 17, 2010

This Reason

    Sometimes something simply being the right thing to do is
not reason enough for me to not want to do it. 
Ya dig? 

    Sometimes I want things
that I am pretty aware are not the best for me. 
Sooo…  sometimes I have to find
other reasons to do the right thing.  Most
of the time those reasons are my kids.  This one Good Choice that I have a particularly hard time making is most
easily made when I think about my girls. 
And I’m not gonna lie, it is mostly Em that I think about when I am
trying to make this particular Right Choice. 
Partly because she is older and closer to having to make this decision herself,
but also because she possess a very sweet, naïve innocence and purity that to
be quite honest, blows me away.   I have no idea where she got it from, but I see
it in her and I treasure it.  I want her
to understand that it is a gift.  I want
her to understand the importance of herself, her heart, her purity.  I want her to hold it dear.  I want her to guard it.  I want to protect it in her.  And I want her to be honored.  I think these are probably things I am
supposed to want for myself as well, and I’m working on figuring that out.  But for now, This Beautiful Girl is all the Reason I need.


May 9, 2010


These kids I have?  All I ever wanted.


This motherhood gig is a tough one for sure, but I just keep thinking about my childhood and how hard most of the adults around me made it seem to really love kids.  And now that I have them, don’t get me wrong, there are hard days, they are whiny and they fight and they get on my nerves- But they are not hard to love. 

These kids are so incredibly lovable.  And they are so incredibly likable. 

And they are my little friends.  And they are my loves.  



This single mom thing is not where I thought I would ever end up, it is a place that I gave everything I had to stay out of, but it is where I am at now, it is where we are at.  It's not the easiest, it's busy, it's tough, it's work and it's tiring.  But I want to make sure that I never lose sight of, that they always know, that they mean the world to me. 

And so I am doing my best to change our family’s legacy.  It is my intention to give my kids a richer heritage than what I was handed.  Now for sure, I repeatedly I trip up, and stumble, and fall, and fail at doing the right thing, but I will never stop pushing, and learning, and growing, and trying to be a better mom. 



Because they are indeed treasures.  Their little hearts and minds were entrusted to me to nurture and love.  And they are growing bigger and smarter and stronger everyday.  And everyday is an opportunity for me to love them better.    542.1



Listen, I want you to know that I am doing my best, I really am, to show you all the time that you are loved, loved, loved.  Forgive me please for times when I fail at that.  And thank you for the thousands of things you have taught me about love.  Please never hesitate to love big and shine bright.  Always know that this earthly love so pales in comparison to His Love.  Stay true, laugh loud, dance often. 


Love you so, so much, always,



May 4, 2010

The Birthday Girls

Unfortunately for my lovely little girls their birthday's fell in the middle of some major incidents this year.  I think (hope) we celebrated them sufficiently nonetheless.  And I'm still in a little over my head right now, but I do have a few pictures and a quick story to tell…


We sat at dinner tonight and went around the table and said why were glad that Grace was born.  Emma said she was glad that she could have someone to play with and dance with.  (It's so wonderfully sweet to me that these two very different little girls are built-in-best-friends and grateful for it.)  Gabe said that he was glad she was born because she made our family big and it wouldn't be a big family without her.  (That is a true statement if I have ever heard one.)  And then it was Griff's turn and he looked Grace right in the eyes and cocked his head to the side and said "I'm glad that Grace was born because she is grace."  He is a profound boy that Griff.  It was an amazing little moment we all had together as we sat and looked at Our Pie and thought about the ways she has made our lives better.  


"Oh, and she's cute!  I love her 'cause she brought cute to our family." Gabe said. 

And because Emmy is Emmy, her feelings got hurt and she piped up in her squeaky little offended voice "But I'm cute, and you have me."  Gabe sat for a second and thought deeply about how to right his statement "Well, yes, but I mean very very cute."  he said in a baby talk voice as he looked at Grace and tousled her hair.

And as I glanced over at Emmy who I knew would be even more upset by that, I heard Griffen whack Gabe on the back of the head. "That's for hurting Emma's feelings Gabe." 

Lovely.  Perfect. Well it is my perfect at least. 

My Princess is five.  I'm not sure how that's possible, but she is.  And she is sure she is ready for the world.  And I am sure she is not, and I am doing my best to get her ready.  And I think this might be forever the way it will be.  And my Pie is three.  My bossy little baby is three years old, one year closer to President of the United States. 

And oh wow, these Four Little Wonders, they are now 3, 5, 7 and 9.  And It is moments like these that make me love love love and yes sometimes hate that I get them all to myself.

November 11, 2009

Good Days

Lots of 'em lately.  Okay well, Monday was pretty terrible, but the thing is-  Tuesday?  A whole new day.

So that was awesome.  There is just so much to be thankful for.  Good, good stuff. 

It's all gravy you know?  Giffen made dinner (including appetizers) Monday night. 

Gabe told Emma that she was "Just the cutest girl in the whole world" today on our walk home. 

Gabes Emmy mastered a pirouette this afternoon, kind of.

Grace snuggles with me every morning now.

Fly is busy, busy, busy.  And so so great.  Oh! Our wedding site is up- check it.  Boy do we love Love Stories.  

If you don't hear from me for a bit it's cause I'm super busy enjoying autumn, and cuddling kids, and loving life.

Oh and speaking of cuddling!  How flippin' adorable is Cole? 

I know right.


I don't know, it's not that there aren't bad days it's just that…  that sun keeps rising and shining on brand new days.

Anywho, life is good an all that jazz.  

Jesus loves me (and you, and you, and you over there, and you in the back) this I know.  Also, my kids rock my socks off pretty much daily. 



November 9, 2009

The Way She Loves

A couple of things about Grace:

            When I got pregnant with her I was on the edge of depression.  Kind of scared about where my marriage and life were going.  A little overwhelmed with the three Little Wonders that I already had, and well just not in a great place.  So the news that I was pregnant hit me like a ton of bricks, and not in a good way.  It was very unlike my other pregnancies where I sort of fell in love immediately with the little being inside of my belly. 

After a couple of days of laying in bed half hoping the pregnancy test was wrong, I went to lunch with Debby.  At that point she was still mostly a formal-ish mentor.  We met up at La Madeline and while standing in line, she noticed my pout-iness.  She asked what was wrong and I sort of mumbled out “Oh, I’m pregnant.”  Now Debby is kind of er…  reserved, or, I don’t know, she‘s just not very reactive.  She’s kind of known for keeping her cool.  Anyway, so I halfheartedly say “I’m pregnant.”  And she- I’m not kidding you, she jumps up into the air and kind of screeches out some excitement and hugs me.  It was bizarre.  Wonderful and bizarre.

            I did my best to calm her down “Oh, no.  We’re not excited.”  That’s what I said.  In a very Eyore kind of tone, I tried to talk her into being sad about me having a baby.  Didn’t work though.  She was super happy about it and I thought “Either she knows something I don’t know or she is crazy.”  I gotta be honest, I was leaning towards crazy. 

It really was not until Pie was born and I laid eyes on her sweet little face that I totally fell in love with her.  But man did I fall hard.  She, like all of my kiddos, is so uniquely special and wonderful.  Gracey’s uniqueness though is an effervescence of well, Grace.  Her gift to me and I think to others is that she loves easily and well.  I hope that all of my kids have some of this gift, I think they do, but it is just her nature to love and be loved without pretense.

Our life was Turned Upside Down before she was even a year old.  Her babyhood  was so totally different from my other ones, not as peaceful, less ideal.  She spent more time away from me than any of my babies did.  And now she is so, so, so independent.  She will never remember living in a house with both of her parents.  Her birthday and holiday memories will only contain one parent or the other.  Hard stuff to think about, only for me though, not for her. 


She might be tiny but her spirit and her capacity for Love are huge. She is fierce, my little Gracey Pie, fierce, and undeterred, and sweet, and funny, and too smart for her own good, and loud, and proud, and beautiful, and generous, and kind, and full of words and life and love.

So the other day when I looked at this photo I thought back to Debby jumping to congratulate me about being pregnant with Grace.

And I thought- She totally knew.  


October 23, 2009


Fact:  It is physically impossible for me to clean my kitchen when my girls are playing in yummy light.


Fact: These cookies are healthier than most breakfast cereals.  

Fact: We eat them for breakfast sometimes


Here's the recipe.  It's a combination of a couple recipes and adjustments I've thrown together.  They aren't pancake-y like some applesauce cookies because I adjusted the baking soda and flour amounts. Although removing the oatmeal, besides removing some of the nutritional value, does make them a bit more pancake-y, don't really recommend it.   And the applesauce adds sweetness so these need less sugar than most cookies.

Yummy Healthy Cookies

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup applesauce
1/3 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 3/4 four
1 tsp baking soda
3 cups quick oats
1 cup chocolate chips  

(edited to add: 3/4 cup packed brown sugar)

   1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets.
   2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter, applesauce, brown sugar and white sugar until light and fluffy.
   3. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well with each addition, then stir in the vanilla.
   4. Combine the flour, salt, and baking soda, then gradually stir into the creamed mixture.
   5. Finally, stir in the oats and chocolate chips.   (I sometimes refrigerate for 15-20min. before baking so they won't spread as much, keeps the middle nice and soft and the outside  crispy)
   6. Drop by rounded spoonfuls onto the prepared cookie sheet.
   7. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.



Fact: A cookie-less house leads to two-year-olds biting their sisters.

(No sisters were harmed in the making of this storyboard.  Okay maybe a little, but I made her some cookies very shortly after.)


September 21, 2009

This Summer


the most wonderful summer i can remember  
incredibly breathtaking
overwhelming in more ways than one
this summer blew me away
pushed me to grow
it moved me                                                                                      


so full of so much
love and joy
not void of pain but
long enough for me to see
that life is more than good
and i am blessed

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