Archive for May, 2011

May 26, 2011

This Decision

Because nobody talks about this. Because I wish I had been here two years ago. Because I wish I had known more people who were.

And because I have been asked more than a few times since this new relationship started, one way or another, if I am sticking to my “goal”. (And for those of you who aren’t interested in clicking on that link, the “goal” is to not have sex outside of marriage.) I guess some people thought my mind would change once there was a guy around. This is the thing though- It is not a goal. It is a decision.To be very Yoda about it, it is not something I am trying not to do. It is something I am not doing. And I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy. It isn’t. But also, it’s not not doable. (And for those of you who knew me a year ago, you can go ahead and chuckle. Laugh it up. I was wrong. Whatdoyaknow? )

So it is certainly not the easiest decision ever. But I am quite certain it is right.

One night I was discussing this issue with a friend, well we were mostly just complaining and venting about the practicalities. But at one point, this story got told and it was in fact very helpful…

The other night as I went to kiss my amazing ten year old son who is very much like a fifty year old man on the forehead, I noticed a tiny little red pimple.  And I said “Ohmygosh Griff! How cute! You have your first zit! You’re growing up!!” And my very old ten year old grunted and sighed. “Ugghh. It’s so hard being extra mature!”

And that’s pretty much where I’m at. This is part of being a grown up. This will be worth it. And I am not going to go all preachy about the “why’s” (right now) and I am certainly not going to talk about the “how’s”.  I will give you no philosophical nor theological things to chew on. I’m not gonna wax poetic about how difficult and rewarding it is.

Just wanted to let you know- Yes. I am not. And ugghh. It’s so hard being extra mature.

Oh and stay tuned for the scoop on the New Guy…  For now I will just say- He’s gooooooood.

May 11, 2011


Someday I will figure out how to put all of this crazygood stuff into words. Can’t figure it out right now.  But! There is this beautiful irony that I love though- Crazygood stuff keeps happening. And because I’m not used to good, I keep getting freaked out by all of these totally awesome non-coincidences. I can’t even being to describe the amount of Love and grace being poured out. Immeasurable. So Much More. Gosh. So I keep asking God to make everything more real, more tangible. And then when He does show me something or confirm something or make something more real- I just get more freaked out. But like, in a good way.  I know that’s all pretty vague, sorry. Just trust me when I say GOD IS TOTALLY REAL AND ALIVE AND CARING AND LOVING AND GIVING AND SEEING AND BEING HIS AWESOME SELF.

May 9, 2011


Internet- can I be honest? I am terrible at in-betweens.  I mean I suck at mediums.  Like- I can be passive or aggressive.  I can rock ecstatic or depressed.  Super hot or cold as ice? Got it.  I can be wide awake and going full speed, or fully and completely exhausted.  The radio can be blasting or off.  Steady is not my jam. Deepbreathbigsigh.

I took this picture of Cade a long time ago and it popped into my head the other night as I stood in my driveway attempting to wind down.  (I’m terrible at winding down)  This picture, oh do I relate.  That first shot, that moment where that poor kid is suspended mid-air.  I know that moment. I feel it. It’s sooo fun going up right? But that hanging up there, the view from that height, that split second of weightlessness- that’s where I’m at.  I will be caught; I’m sure of it. And I love being caught. I love His arms. I smiled all the way up and there will be raucous joy and “Again! Again!” as soon as His hands embrace me. But right now? Anxious anticipation. That’s where I’m at folks.  See you on the flip side. Love, love.

May 5, 2011


Alright guys, can we chat about that hypothetical girl again?  Let’s do.

She had kind of a rough go as a kid.  Maybe not the roughest go ever, but it certainly wasn’t awesome.  There was some abuse and some manipulation.  And she was a pretty perceptive kid.   And something that happens sometimes (I think, I mean I don’t know for sure, maybe) to pretty perceptive kids who get asked to do things they don’t want to do and then forced or abused is- they learn to figure out what people want and give it to them before they get hurt.  Sometimes they guess what a person wants before that person even knows what they want.  Sometimes they spend lots of their life trying not to get hurt and giving out things they shouldn’t because that’s how they’ve survived.  Sometimes they guess wrong about people and sometimes they don’t, but mostly these pretty perceptive people pleasers are running around exhausting themselves with big giant smiles on their faces because they’re just glad they’re not getting abused.

And sometimes- people come along who don’t want anything from them and flip their world upside down.  I’m not saying at all that she’s, ah forget it, I’ve never had anyone like me for me.  I have plenty of Amazing Friends who have helped me grow in this area, even a few men.  It has certainly been helpful to have awesome, caring, loving people encircle me and not only not ask anything of me, but give Love to me.  But then That Awful Thing and a few other Terrible Things happened a few months ago, and along with a few of my basic human functions, like eating, breathing and speaking, my trust in men went down the drain.

Fast forward almost nine months and I’m getting better, free-er and all that jazz.  But still, guys kinda freak me out.  Seriously, like- I’m super good at playing cool but internally I get nauseous when males look at or stand near me.  And I’m not even talking about aggressive guys hitting on me, I mean like, men at church, friends, husbands of friends- tie my stomach in knots when they get within two feet or require eye contact.  But going through life with a stomach ache whenever some perfectly kind man is trying to be nice to me seems unnecessary, so I pray and I ask for prayer and I sit still with my queasy stomach and make myself make eye contact.  And I laugh. A lot. Because I feel so ridiculous for being nervous about nothing.  And all of that is pretty helpful until…  (and crap, now I’m crying)

All of that is pretty helpful until there are a couple of guys, men I guess, who want to talk more than just in passing, they care.  Well, one of them is the husband of one of my New Friends and he likes me and he cares.  And one is not anyone’s husband and he really likes me and really cares.   And they don’t want anything from me.  Nothing.  And not knowing what they want starts to suffocate me.  And it turns my stomach and gives me headaches.  Because if I can’t figure it out, I might get hurt.

But then these men keep not wanting anything and not hurting me.  And I talk to a couple of friends and they don’t coddle me like they have before, like I hoped they might. They tell me to push past it and they pray for me.  Because God is doing something.  And just because it’s uncomfortable,(hell, it’s not uncomfortable, it’s really freaking painful at times), doesn’t mean it’s bad.  So I do push past it over and over, (though not without whining).  And I start laughing to laugh instead of laughing at how awful I feel.

And the sweetest thing happens- God starts dropping little promises in my ear like breadcrumbs down a path to healing.  He starts telling me secrets about me and about what’s going to happen.  And His promises, little though they might be, keep on coming true.  And I keep trusting and it’s all gravy for the most part.  But then the one guy, the one who really likes me, he wants to love me.  And it makes me want to run the opposite direction on that path.

My little-girl/teenage/twenty-eight-year-old self is SCREAMING at me “Nothing good has ever happened when a man loved you”  And though part of me knows that is not the truth, it shakes me to the core.  But God.  Right? Yeah.  But God and a couple of my Amazing Friends assure me that it would be an even worse idea to not silence it.  Goodness.  I struggle to get out of my own head for a day and it’s completely exhausting.  I can’t even begin to explain how hard I fight myself, and God sometimes.  I might be tiny, but I wrestle like nobody’s business.

Ugh, the struggle, I hate it but I know it, and sometimes I love it.  So I spend an entire day and night struggling with my little-girl/teenage/twenty-eight-year-old self and God.  And at the end of that twenty-four hour period, God asks me to stop fighting.  He says He loves me and that I can fight Him about other things, but He wants me to stop fighting Him about this and start to trust.  And I ask Him what the hell I’m supposed to do with all of my fear about Guy Who Wants to Love Me and God says to tell him.  Yeah.  This is how that went “Umm, no. He is the one I’m scared of, I’m not giving him all of this. Don’t you get that that’s the deal, I’m not giving the person that I am scared of all of my fears.” And then God was like “Kid, trust me. Look at all the promises I have kept so far.”

So I did, trust and tell. And then Guy Who Wants to Love Me listened carefully and asked what I needed, and quietly held me for a little while.  And it was good.  Because it was one more Promise come true.  So I am still on this path, skipping here and there, smiling a lot more,  and pretty excited about where it’s leading me.

Annnnd Big! Enormous! Giant! Huge! shout-out to the lovely, wonderful, insightful, wise, caring and understanding friends who have not coddled me but gently pushed me, held my hands and prayed.  And Uber- Big! Enormous! Giant! Huge! shout-out to New Friends Husband Who Cares.

Annnnd Guy Who Wants to Love Me- Okay.

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