Writing Anyway

This writing thing, much like photography has become a have-to for me.  Some days words are my air and writing is my breath.  And so I write.  And then I struggle because I feel so absolutely and completely unqualified to be writing.  Something in me says “Put it out there. Contribute.  Share.” And then something, someone, says “Haha.”

Perfectionism is a sneaky devil, a brand new enemy for me.  I’ve only recently encountered the extreme displeasure of worrying about measuring up to my own expectations.  “This piece is not half as good as the last thing you wrote.” Oh and “Why even put more junk out on the internet when there are so many people, wiser, braver, more articulate, more mature, more educated, more spiritual than you.” And “Nothing you’re saying is new.  Your words are of no consequence; you’re wasting your time and everyone else’s”.  I wrestle against these thoughts, worry about calling them lies for fear that they might be true.

And I think maybe it is even more sneaky and evil than I originally thought.  It’s not just a ploy to make me question myself and feel like crap.  It’s a scheme against a gift that God has given me that could be used to help people understand more about His Love.  Because the thing is, God has been surrounding me with all kinds of amazing people.  He has connected me with some incredible new friends and some outstanding teachers.  And I think maybe in doing this He is pushing me to grow, stretching me.  Sure, stretching can be uncomfortable.  But this sneaky liar keeps telling me that the discomfort I feel is my not-good-enough-ness.  What a jerk right?  Indeed.

I was asking Jesus about this the other day, and as He does, He answered my question with a question.  I asked, “Is this you?  Should I just let go of this writing thing until I’m done with school, know more scripture, until I’m more mature and insightful and qualified?  Am I a fool for even trying to contribute?”  He replied “Do any of those words sound like mine?  Have I ever mocked you?  Would I scold you for stretching and growing in a gift I gave you?  Does that sound like me?”  Oh, um, well, no, I guess not.

Certainly, I want to grow in this gift.  And sure, stretching hurts a little sometimes.  And yes, there are plenty of other voices out there that are more creative, enlightened, and knowledgeable.  But that is no excuse for me to quit.  So I keep putting this stuff out there and wrestling with the jerk that tells me my viewpoint is not unique, my grammar is not perfect, my words carry no insight and my story is of no value.  And now, some days I don’t even wrestle with him, I just tell him to go away.  I string these letters together and toss them out into the world, catch my breath and laugh right back.

And a little note to all the kind souls who been have so graciously encouraging me~ It means more than I can say that you would take the time to read my words and give me some of your own.  My heart is happier and my spirit brighter for the Love you’ve shown me in big and small ways.  It’s not even just the words you’ve given me, (though no doubt, I do love words the most), it’s the time, the smiles, pats on the back and the glimmers of affirmation I catch in your eyes.  In all kinds of ways, you’ve given me peace, joy and strength and I am ever so grateful.    

Love, love.

One Comment to “Writing Anyway”

  1. Love it, girl. Absolutely love it. You have such a unique voice, don’t let that dang liar silence it. God honors obedience 🙂

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