Not Making it Ok

2279132018_f67d2ee445_o
I am seriously going to do my best not to spew exclamation points all over this page, but. You Guys!!!!!!  Guess what. Free-er.  Because I just noticed something, I have tototally stopped saying “it’s ok” when I’m talking to people about my story and they look at me with little bits of sadness and sympathy and say “I’m sorry”.  I just noticed last night.  I had this sweet conversation with a new friend, she shared some of her story, I shared some of mine and when she said “I’m sorry” and I just said "thanks" and we moved on.  And it. Was. So. Cool. 

This little (big? neverending?) process I’m in feels so good.  This leaning and trusting feels so good.  This allowing myself some space and grace feels… amazing (!!!!!!!!)

Fancy Nancy told a little story at Pink Impact (!!!!!!) about sitting in her counselors office and telling him it was ok when he cried through stories of her childhood.  And, ha, that is exactly what I did with her, well with lots of people really.  Ask me about my childhood, my marriage, my divorce and I will give you a straight up answer.  I will be honest and real with you about how rough it was.  And then I will try to make it ok.  Well I used to.  But I’m done with that, which kind of feels awesome (!!!!!!!)

I got the privilege of getting to serve at a Freedom training a couple of weeks ago and getting to hear Alan Smith teach.  And then we did a little (big? awesome?) exercise.  And you guys- I cried.  It was super.  I’m terrible at crying.  Really, it’s not my thing.  It’s reeeeally hard for me to do.  But this cry did not swallow me up or crush me.  It was a releasing kind of cry, a feeling hurt and letting it go kind of cry.  And it wasn’t even awful, it was kind of nice actually, helpful for sure. 

Finding grace for me is most probably the hardest thing for me to do.  I am a “get over it and move on” kinda girl.  I am so, so tough on me, but being tough on me is not helpful and the perfectionism that sneaks in when I let it is quite honestly so much more than annoying. 

And so, I am happy with not making things ok, for me or anyone else.  It is not my job to make my past ok.  Phew (!!!!!!!!)  I don’t even know how to explain how much weight has been lifted off (and now I’m crying again). 

Goodness.  I love grace. 

Sinking in an ocean of it,
Love, love,
Amber

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: