This weekend has been… well rough is too kind a word… Friday was the two year anniversary of our divorce, which would have been fine except my ex got married on Saturday, which would have been fine except Sunday is the six month mark since that Terrible Thing happened, which would be fine except, Monday is Valentines Day.  It's just kind of a lot, almost too much. 

I've known this weekend was coming and have not even attempted to grieve any of this stuff.  It all seems too overwhelming to deal with.  I know Jesus is always with me, but sitting in an empty room crying into a pillow over all of these reminders of agonizing heartbreak just has not sounded appealing to me.  Somehow, well… in an effort to be quite honest, getting drunk sounded more appealing to me.  And so I went to a very safe friends house and drowned my sorrows in cheap whiskey.  This sounds ridiculous I know, but my back and neck have been sore for two days, I'm sure from holding all of this in.  And getting to sleep on a pillow that wasn't soaked in tears seemed impossible.  Stumbling into bed dazed and numbed seemed like my best option.  And that's what I did; not my finest decision. 

Sleep came easily, but then He woke me up at two thirty, almost three hours ago now.  I gave getting back to sleep all my best efforts.  And then I prayed a little "I'm sorry" prayer.  Something along the lines of "Please forgive me.  I am not going to slip into this pattern. Thank you for giving me a safe place to fall last night. I love you. I'm sorry."  An hour later I was still awake.  I grabbed my Blackberry, cruised Facebook and Twitter for a few minutes, and in a last ditch effort to get to sleep, opened up my Bible app.  It auto loaded today verse, Psalm 6:

LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
   or discipline me in your wrath.
 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
   heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
 My soul is in deep anguish.
   How long, LORD, how long?

  Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
   save me because of your unfailing love.
 Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
   Who praises you from the grave?

 I am worn out from my groaning.

   All night long I flood my bed with weeping
   and drench my pillow with tears.
 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
   they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
   for the LORD has heard my weeping.
 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
   the LORD accepts my prayer.

It kind of rocked my world, so fitting, so raw and real.  Almost like "Whoa, hey, get out of my head" kind of perfect.  And I am so humbled.  I know it may not sound like the most comforting verse, but there is not a verse that could have comforted me more.  These words are perfect.  My own personal perfectly fitting Psalm. 

I love when He just SHOWS UP, even if it is at 4a.m.  I love when I feel like there is for real, not pretend, not I hope, not even I know because the Bible says He is, but He just actually, literally, is here, seeing, hearing, feeling, loving, showing, giving moments they are almost eerie, almost spooky, but oh do I treasure them, oh did I need one. 

Yesterday when I talked to Nancy about this stuff, she gave me the "You are in the palm of His hand" line and I rolled my eyes.  "Ok, but right now I want something more real."  And now, it's like… if a real person were here with me, there's no way their words would come close to doing what His just did.  My circumstances have not changed, but- the Creator of the universe woke me up in the middle of the night to let me know that He is aware of what is going on.  It was very much like Jesus was right here in bed with me, threw His arm across me and pulled me in close. I mean, wow.  I'm in awe. 

Last week one of the most inspiring women I know sent me this message

"i just want to share this with you. i grew up in a very devout pentecostal family. i have since denounced christianity, then re-embraced it, in my own way, though not exclusively. anyway, i love to see your devotion, almost a mystic relationship with a Beloved Jesus. it makes me feel like you GET IT, on a deeper level, which is entirely the point. that's all… just wanted you to know that it is a beautiful thing for me to see."

It is maybe the best message anyone has ever sent me.  I don't know that I could describe my relationship with Jesus in better words.  It is almost mystic, except for the fact that it is the most real thing I know.  And He is most definitely Beloved, the Truest Love I have found.  I'm not sure about my devotion, it wavers more than I would like it too.  This GET IT thing though, that happens because He GIVES IT.  All I'm doing is receieving.  That is the beautiful part. 

When I am hurt and trying to numb the pain, lost, overwhelmed and begging for real, He shows me what REAL is.  Love, love, love.  ::sigh::  Love.

*edited to add, for those of you who might be wondering- No, I did not drive home; I spent the night at my friends house, that was the plan all along. And yes I know that this was a terrible solution for dealing with this grief.  I have been talking to Jesus about it for the past hour.  We are going to make sure it doesn't happen again 


3 Comments to “LOVE”

  1. I’m sorry for the being, but ❤ toward the middle, and 🙂 at the end…you're amazing and wonderful. Thanks for sharing.

  2. His mercies are new every morning…REALLY new. He LOVES mercy and looks for places to poor it out because that’s how the Kingdom comes and He’s all about the Kingdom.
    Love you, girl 🙂 Hate that your heart is hurting so much right now, but…you rock 🙂

  3. I know I spelled “pour” wrong…it wasn’t intentional, but also wasn’t a mistake… when I went to correct it, He said, “Blessed are the POOR in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”

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