Intimacy

(Because I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to title this "So in Love With: Sex"  but be warned, that is pretty much what this is. Also, sorry, no pictures 🙂

This post is for the single ladies, married friends feel free to proceed to here or here.  Also this is fully inspired by the book “Sex and the Soul of a Woman” which I very highly reccomend, and You Know Who, (who by the way is Nancy Houston, Christian Sex Therapist Extraordinaire), and the class she taught on Monday night wherein the girls in my group asked me a bunch of questions and then put my number in their phones as “Amber Sex Help” 🙂

Ah sex-  Is there a more taboo subject for a twenty-nine year old, single, divorced no less, Christian woman to talk about? Oh well, I kind of think it's the elephant in the room and I hate those, so I'm talking about it-  If you know me at all, you know it is one of my favorite subjects.  If you’ve talked to me more than once, we’ve probably discussed it.  It’s kind of a big deal to me.  It’s kind of a big deal period. 

I spent the first year or so after my divorce trying to figure out a way that I could love and follow Jesus and also have sex outside of marriage.  And I don’t mean that I casually thought it over in my head every once in a while.  I argued, whined, researched, questioned and complained pretty much relentlessly. 

When you are married at eighteen and divorced at twenty eight, and you live in this world at this time, not having sex seems like a non-option.  Also, lets say you think sex is like, the bees knees, the cats meow even, and you’re used to doing it oh lets say, whenever you want- having to stop doesn’t really seem very groovy, it seems damn near impossible and the opposite of appealing.  But you guys, I never figured out a way to make the concept of sex outside of marriage jive with loving Jesus. 

As a matter of fact, if I was being quite honest I would say, the only thing harder than not having sex outside of marriage is having sex outside of marriage.  If I were telling you about my own experience I would say it is beyond reckless and destructive.  If I were sharing about my own life, I would say that I found it to be extremely harmful.  Also, if I were divulging details of my own life this is where I would get unnecisarily defensive and say something dumb like "I'm a Christian so I didn't have like, a whole bunch of unmarried sex.  I just had like, a Christian amount of unmarried sex"  But let’s keep this hypothetical and say, it might have broken my heart, stole a piece of it and left me feeling empty.  And also, it separated me from Jesus. 

Lucky for me, Jesus is okay with broken and empty.  I took myself to Him, put everything on pause and asked Him to help me regroup.  I stopped asking Him how I was going to make it without sex and started asking Him why He wanted me to.  And He answered. He is pretty good about being Himself, I just needed to turn everything off for long enough to hear Him. 

And He is a big picture kind of God, so He showed me the Best Metaphor Ever. Sex is supposed to be a picture of intimacy with Him.  It’s not just a fun thing He gave us to pass the time with, it’s not even just a beautiful thing that happens between husband and wife.  It is an earthly, bodily representation of union with Him. 

Honestly, that is all the answer I need.  I mean, I really, really, really enjoy, think sex is the bee’s knees.  I might like it enough that the threats of it eventually breaking my heart and leaving me feeling empty wouldn’t keep me from trying it again.  Fear is a pretty terrible motivator.  Love though, it is a phenomenal motivator.  And He has revealed His Love more completely and intimately as I have given over this part of me.

Pausing and reevaluating sex and intimacy reset something in me, allowed God to do work in me that He couldn’t have done before.  He not only revealed lies that I believe about sex, He showed me what it is like to be in more intimate union with Him.  He has pointed out areas where I feared to let Him in and aspects of our relationship that I just completely misunderstood. 

Because one of the main lenses I see my union with Him through was so distorted by messy relationships and what the world has taught me about sex, it not only clouded and misrepresented sexuality, it misrepresented God and His infinite Love.  In doing my best to listen to His heart for me, I have been able to really experience a revelation of His Love and grace.  I realize I’m overstating this, but you guys, it’s just so wonderful.

So yes, not having sex at all outside of marriage, or doing any activity that is not honoring to God, as hokey and boring and prudish as that might sound, is where I have landed.  Because it is totally not worth messing up my relationship with Jesus.  I know abstinence is a foreign concept to some people.  I also know there are probably some of you who are shocked that it is not where I landed immediately.  Truthfully, I wasn’t actually looking to be stopped in my tracks or for a big spiritual lesson when I started asking Him why.  I was mostly hoping to stop getting myself wrecked by heartbreak and loss.

My plan was to stop all sexual activity in order to keep from doing anymore physical and emotional damage, maybe even figure out how to have a more whole view of sex.  His plan?  To restore wholeness and redeem my soul, to give me a more whole view of Him and His love.  So. Much. Better.  It is immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine

Also, if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment or email me.  Part two on this subject is in the works.  I would love to keep a dialogue going and if I can't help you, I'll pass your question along to an actual expert 🙂

Love, love.

 

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6 Responses to “Intimacy”

  1. Hey beautiful Lady! It’s me Teresa Wickstrom! The 1 whom you met @ your 1st Monday night @ NRH HAVING a “discussion” w/Elaine. Up here in the frozen tundra of Minnesota(-4 degrees) Yeppers! Anyhoo, I LOVE what you wrote! So honest, sooooo true! You can ask anyone who knows me…I…like yourself…think sex is cool. However, I had been given a false representation of it my whole life up until 3 yrs ago when I came to Gateway! It’s like what they teach us @ Kairos…it’s not so much what you are getting rid of in your life(that’s of the wrong)… it’s Who you’re becomeing “like” thats important. The true loveing intimacy w/Him causes the things of “the wrong” to just fall off. I’ve NEVER known love like this before(song)and I will say that the more I fall in love w/Him, the more intimate we are…the more pure the vision & attitude of sex becomes…His vision! If you haven’t already…I highly recommend Kairos! It’s a weekend “date” w/your TRUE lover! Biggest hugs! T

  2. TypePad HTML Email
    Hey Girl! Thanks for
    the sweet comments~ Im actually attending KAIROS this week :~)

  3. Amber!!! That is so awesome! Many of us have been/gone through what you are going through. I know from my personal experience, I never thought I could be in love and wait…..I went through my test this past year. Even though we aren’t getting married, I can walk away with clarity that I would not have been able to do if we had taken that step to have sex. It clouds your mind and your heart. You tend to settle more. Keep up the great work you Beautiful Daughter of Christ!

  4. TypePad HTML Email
    Amy~ Thank you so much for
    sharing and thanks forthe encouragement!! Its so great to be
    connecting with other women who are in similar situations. I love, love,
    love your testimony by the way. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. He is so
    amazing.

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