Hungry

Fasting is a struggle for me. 
Well, kind of.  I mean, I am great at not eating. 
That’s the danger.
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The last time I fasted was about three years ago.  I had asked my husband to move out because of some issues that could not be resolved while he was living in the house, and though it was the only logical decision at the time, it broke everything I believed about me. In the first few months of our separation, I spent many days fasting, on my face before God, praying and begging.  A few things happened as a result.  God met me there, over and over again.  I got closer to Him and learned some things about His heart and as a result was able to sort out some truths about myself.  Also, I started dropping tons of weight.   

Really what happened was, I learned to embrace hungry.  Not a bad thing maybe, unless losing thirty pounds to get to a healthy weight turns into losing sixty pounds and not being able to force yourself to eat.  Luckily with help, I was able to work through my eating issues for the most part.  Needless to say, I have been somewhat leery of any kind of fasting for a while.

It has come up a couple of times in the last month or so though, and I’ve really been talking to Him about what He wants me to do.  My church is joining with many other churches in a fast and I’m attending Kairos in a couple of weeks.  Part of me so wanted to be able to join in and gain clarity and nearness through fasting, and part of me was scared that my focus would shift back to food and weight.  I prayed, a lot.  I was open to Him asking me to wait.  Honestly, I was open to Him saying “No, you can’t.” 

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to try it out.  Two days on a water fast and I didn’t feel the slightest tinge of hunger.  And that scared the crap out of me.  So I asked Him about it, “How did I not feel hungry for two days?”  And then in my spirit I heard Him say, "You have been hungry for so long that it is your normal. You have learned to live on so little, and I’m not just talking about food.  Your life has been spent in survival mode.  You’re not hungry because your stomach is small, it doesn’t expect much food.  And your heart- doesn’t expect great things from me.”  Ouch, that was my first thought. 

My second thought, “Okay. Can we talk about this over dinner?”  And we did.  He revealed some very sweet things to me over soup and crackers.  His heart is not for me to starve myself, emotionally or physically.  His heart is not for me to be so hungry, so consistently that it ceases to feel like hunger- emotionally or physically.  He has So Much More for me than that.  My expectancy was for Him to just say “No, you can’t.” if I wasn’t ready to start fasting, instead He showed me His enormous capacity to Love, yet again.

Equipped with freedom and soaked in the Love He has for me, I am doing a moderate fast now.  The clarity I was hoping for is most certainly happening.  Big things are in the works.  He is near, speaking and I am listening carefully, (and eating, all the time, promise).  Much like these photos of trees and snow, the scene is the same, but the focus is shifted. This is not about food or weight, it is not even about hungry anymore, it is about finding out what He has for me.    

He wants me to have life abundantly.  He has freed me from the bondage of an eating disorder.  And He has freed me from much bigger bondage than that as well.  Not so that I could live carefully, expectant of no’s, not so that I could survive on meager portions of food or Love, so that I could thrive and grow in all that He has for me. 

He wants to increase my capacity to receive Love so that I can be filled to overflowing with that much more of Him. 
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A message of abundance, feasting if you will, while fasting? Yes please. 

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4 Responses to “Hungry”

  1. good, good, good…He is so good.

  2. Thank you for this post. God has healed me from eating disorder and I was and am wary of fasting. It helps to hear someone who has a similar disordered eating background talk about fasts. Also, I just found your blog and I love it! You are a creative and gifted writer! I can see your love and trust for God in the good times and bad.

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