My Weekends

Confession: I feel a little guilty writing this.  It seems a little self centered, but I prayed about writing today, (maybe this is a succesful defeat, thanks Donald Miller), and this is what I got.  Maybe there are other moms out there who need to feel okay about taking time for themselves and making time for Him, so I’m getting over it.

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I am so in love with my weekends off, (and here’s where I defend myself a little) I love, love, love my kids. I love being a mom, no doubt.  I love the good and the hard and everything in between.  And I never ever would have chosen in a million years to have this two weeks on/ two days off deal that we have now, but it is in fact what we have now.  And so, I have learned to love those two days off. 

When I first started having these two days off I went a little nuts, I’m not gonna lie.  I mean not crazy nuts, just “Let’s go dance all night at a club” nuts.  When I first got these two days I would stack them full to keep from feeling alone.  I would fill up every second with people! and things! and stuff to do! Initially I would spend at least half of my time pouting about not having my kids and the other half anxious about how I was going to make it through the next two weeks taking care of them by myself.  Which is ok to do I think if you are just figuring out how to not be married, but I have for the most part, worked out how to not be married now, thank goodness.  With Help, I have for the most part figured out how to be Me- hurray!

In the beginning a friend of mine suggested that I just “enjoy my own company” (and she totally meant it in the regular way, get your mind outta the gutter).  Anyway, I had no flippin’ clue what that meant.  “Enjoy time alone?  With myself?  What?!  No thanks, I might miss something super fun!”  But then, I finally figured out that He was there all the time and thoroughly apologized for ignoring Him so often.  Thank God, He helped me figure out how to be at peace, in my home, by myself- well, with Him.   

I rediscovered the sweetness of sleeping in on Saturday mornings and taking an hour, (or two) to get ready for my day while listening to whatever music I wanted to.  I learned how to make a meal for one and sit at a quiet table and enjoy each bite.  I learned how to daydream and not just run through the days to-do list and think about what else I might be able to fit in.  It became not just okay, but appealing to sit at home by myself with an enormous bowl of popcorn and m&ms watching Amelie for the hundredth time and then get in bed and read for two whole hours.  (I’m sure that makes me sound old and boring but oh well, that was one of my favorite nights ever.) 

Certainly I still stack lots of grown up outings into my weekends, but those have changed too.  No more night clubs or bars, (ugh thank goodness, sorry about that Bridge).  I hit up bookstores and coffee shops on the regular, with or without friends.  I shop, nothing new there except I savor every second of it.  I linger on aisles that I know full well have nothing I’m even interested in, just because I can.  And occasionally I go on dates, mostly because I find it fully entertaining.  Occasionally I end up eating blueberry pancakes at IHOP with a twenty five year old Jersey Shore looking guy from East Texas, or at some music studio listening to a rap album get recorded.  (See what I mean, fully entertaining.) 

The sweetest thing has happened in my weekends though, He has helped me work out time and space for me and Him.  And I love it, even though sometimes I have to literally force myself to get over the guilt I feel for indulging myself in rest and tranquility.  And there are times when I have to make myself keep the appointments that I make with Him on Sunday afternoons when something potentially “more exciting” comes up.  And sure, some weekends I spend way too much effort trying to slow time down and at the end of it I still feel drained. 

But most of the time on my weekends, I am enjoying my own company.  Most of the time I am overwhelmed with gratefulness that He has led me to this place, helped me get here, shown me that the path I am on now is good, hard sometimes but good.  Most of the time I am swimming in grace, grace that is ever present for all of my hiccups and screwups, and ever waiting to both catch me when I fall and dance with me when I stand.  Most of the time on my weekends, I am ecstatic that I can stop being busy with mom stuff and work stuff long enough to be captivated by the Love that He keeps on pouring into me, happy that it more than sustains me and overjoyed to rest in His arms

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One Comment to “My Weekends”

  1. U have an amazing God given gift!!!
    -Blessings,
    Makenzie Beaver

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