Listening, learning, changing, growing

 “But what if it’s not?” –You Know Who


Had a little farewell-ish meeting with You Know Who the other day, and it was bitter sweet for sure.  She is all kinds of amazing, and she has so helped me in this journey. She is so much wisdom and grace…  And she trusts me, which feels kind of awesome.  Well, she trusts me and Jesus, and that is a lot.  To say that I am thankful for the things she has done, the things she has helped me see, is the understatement of a lifetime.  She has been a soft place to fall on hard days, and a guiding hand to hold along rough paths.  She says kind and affirming things to me repeatedly and with the most genuine glimmer in her eyes she helps me believe them about myself.  She has repeatedly pointed me towards Jesus with endless persistence and patience.  She has sat calmly across from me while I dredged up messy stuff, pushed me when I needed to be moved, and shed tears when I couldn’t for myself. 

From emergency room trips to scrambled eggs and toast, she has poured an enormous amount into my life.  It’s the seeing thing though that has been the most helpful.  Not that I was blind to the Father’s Love before, but my prescription was off I think.  Because she follows Him so intently, and hears Him so well, she was able to give a much clearer picture of Him than I had seen before.  She is a giver and a teacher, an awesome wife, one of the most amazing mom’s I have ever known, an outstanding friend and so much more.  I am beyond blessed to know her, to learn from her.  And every ounce of hope and strength and Love she offers is straight from the Father.  That is maybe the greatest thing she has taught me, to keep going back to Him.

So here I go.  Moving out of this house that I moved into when I was still married, into a new house and a whole new phase.  So many things have happened in the last few months, so many things have changed.  Our house, my job, my relationships, thought patterns, ideas and attitudes- Just. Keep. Shifting.  (Shout out to Gateway Church and the Freedom Ministries they offer)  You guys, change is oh so good, please let me never stop changing and growing. 

"Who am I? is not a bad question; it's a good question.  It's just not the first question.  Who is God? is the first question." -Marcus Brecheen Executive Pastor, Gateway Chrurch


This part of the journey and all of it’s painful transition has grown me up, or maybe it has given birth to a new me, I don’t know, something good.  I just know that what I know about myself, my identity is different than what I knew a year ago, six months ago even.  Maybe He isn’t who I thought He was.  And I’m not saying that I had everything all wrong about me or Him.  I was just missing so many pieces and I had shoved some in where they didn’t belong.  In no way am I professing to have the whole puzzle put together now, but jeez I feel like I had the wrong box top before. 

The difference seems to be that instead of people trying to get past my defenses and give me a clearer picture of who I am, I was finally able to let my defenses down long enough to see who He is.  Anyway, I’m still in the middle of working this all out, but I have at least figured out~  I am a grown up, responsible and accountable, who gets to make her own choices.  (Oh choices, such a hard and lovely, empowering concept.)  I get to be the mom of four fabulous, wonderful, beautiful, extremely intelligent children and they are so much more than important to me.  And I was created for so much more than I could ever have imagined. 

"Freedom is the ability to fully respond to God as the person you were created and redeemed to be." Think Differently Live Differently by Bob Hamp


I was created for so much more than survival, because I am a daughter of this Great God and a lover of this True King.  And I get to die, as often as I choose, to myself and all the crap she carries with her.  I get to choose Him and His ways over me and mine.  And I’m more than excited to see what He has in store for us.  More than willing to lay down my stuff and sit and listen and go and do, because He is just so much better at Life than me.  And He…  He is so intentional with Love.  And He is unfailing and He is good, better than good.  And He is faithful and true, and He never changes.  So instead of being halfway surrendered to a blurry picture of a God I’m not so sure about, I am fully surrendering to a Father who is revealing Himself to me more and more everyday as I seek His face and His heart.  I am giving in to His pursuit of me, surrendering all I am because all I am is His anyway. 

Jesus take the wheel and all that jazz…     



3 Comments to “Listening, learning, changing, growing”

  1. Love this. Favorite line? “Jesus take the wheel and all that jazz…”
    So, so true. And so, so proud of you.

  2. I’m here from Terri Fischer’s site and browsing through your beautiful photos and writings. This post is reminding me a bit of something I read last night in He, by Robert Johnson, about the Grail myth- which mirrors the Marcus Breechan post. I wonder if it might be a timely read for you….it’s a beautiful book.

  3. Thanks so much for the kind words~ I’ll check it out Pixie, always up for a good read.

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