Archive for July, 2010

July 30, 2010

Writing

“Spell that.”  He said. 
“C h a s e d” I replied.
He smirked, as he does, and looked at me with those knowing eyes.
I read them for a change, instead of demanding he use words.
“Oh. Ha!  Yeah, I don’t feel chaste. Though maybe the one would help the other.”

  -excerpt from a very lovely conversation with Mr. Phenomenal


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Most days it is possible for me to quiet these existential
discussions in my head

To calm all of this questioning of The World to a whisper

And mother my children with playful abandon

Today is not one of those days

Today I struggle to set down the Journal and the Book

To glance up from the pages of words I am devouring

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    There are certainly many days when the sight of my
Emmy is enough to stop whatever thinking I am doing and cause me to stare in
wonder at the miracle that is my daughter, when her walking up to me to ask for
a cup of water results in my hands cupping her sweet face and the two of us
sitting nose to nose admiring the sacred beauty placed within us.  There are days when Gabe walking up to give
me a nonchalant hug results in him curled up in my lap and me stroking his baby
soft hair, and a few moments of us comprehending to the best of our abilities our
belovedness together.  

    Most days, my children, my lovely life, this thing called
motherhood, pulls me out of my own head and heart.  Most days my journaling is kept to after
nightfall and the escape of reading is held off until bedtime.  Many, many days I am so utterly content to
observe with awe the loveliness of the messy curls on the back of Grace’s neck
as she bounces through the house singing out her own songs.   And certainly many days I am more than happy
to listen to Griffen’s brilliant, creative, intense and funny ramblings.  Oh and stare at his freckles, I am most
certainly more than happy to stare at his freckles, they are divine. 

005
    Quite simply put, most days I am enamored with the beauty of
my everyday life.  And oh do I feel loved
when I contemplate the blessings I’ve been given.  But there is this thing, this knowledge that I
hold, this awareness that I was meant to do something.  I was placed here for a reason, called out
is what has been said to me.  And I feel
that, all too deeply some days.

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    Sometimes it sits on me like a warm familiar blanket and I
hug it close, this
called out feeling. All of the listening and praying
and reading and writing feel so full of life and meaning and importance.  And I embrace it, I love it, I know it,
always have.  I feel driven to be better,
to be good, to be perfect so that at last I can do this… whatever it is that I
am called out to do.  There are mornings
spent all the way in to afternoons of working away at being good enough and knowing enough
so that one day I will finally be ready to help myself and others be…  Loved. 
How wrong is that- to be working away at simply feeling loved? 

008

    There are days though, or moments at least when I feel so
terribly chased, so hunted.  Times when
arrows are shot so precisely at me that I can only assume there is a target
somewhere on me and an archer not far off.  And
in those times, there are slivers of moments when I think
Just lay down,
just be quiet, just stop all the working all the striving all the noise of
preparing yourself for something greater. 
Shhh, be still.  Stop, stop, stop.
   Scary, yes, hearing voices is.  Sounds insane I’m sure, and trying to hone in
on those voices and decipher them sounds even more insane.  But it is alas what I am want to do some
days.  

 
009
    Here I am then stuck in this strange conundrum.  Feeling more love on days when I don’t think
so hard about it and feeling guilty on those days for not thinking hard about
it.   So today, I am saying, or Somebody is-

Peace
child, peace, peace, peace.  And
love.   


 


 

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July 28, 2010

The Monkeys

    Seven days without My Loves was all kinds of wonderful.  I rested, read, danced, cleaned, coffee'd alone and coffee'd with friends.  And every time somebody asked if I missed the kids I would pause for a second to check myself and then reply "Nope" and then go on for a few minutes defending myself and why I didn't miss them.  I mean, I love these Monkeys for sure.  This summer has been an amazing summer so far.  Busy, but amazing.  We've done a ton of stuff together, filled everyday with as much free and exhausting fun as possible.  And so the little staycay was fabulous and much needed. 

    Having them back though, well it's like…  having My Loves again after not seeing them for seven days.  We're all kisses and cuddles and "I love you so, so much!"  Everyone is, it's awesome.  And mornings are the best.  Starting around six or seven in the morning, one by one they start piling in my bed.

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We cuddle and doze while the sun inches over the back fence. 

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Gabe wakes up slowly, tossing and turning to find the last bits of shadows to sleep in.

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Emmy is bright eyed, ready for breakfast as soon as the light hits her face. 

They fight over who gets to share my pillow.  We have tickle fights and whisper I-love-you's . 

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It's magic I tell you, bliss and I never want to forget it. 

Grace comes in for kisses, hugs, to check on us and to start planning the day.

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Griff lazily scoots in last, eyes half closed.  He comes straight over and throws his arms around me and waits out the last few minutes before he has to take the dog for a walk.     

    And I'm sure there can't be many more mornings like this left- lazy summer days where we can spend twenty minutes soaking up every bit of softness and warmth from last night's sleep.

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So for now I'll just relish all this cozy sunshine cuddling while I can.

(Before Grace starts bossing me around about what to make for breakfast.)

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It's highly recommended, a fantastic way to start the day.  

Love, love.

July 26, 2010

*Surprise*

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As I sit in my waterless house this
morning I am reminded of a story from a while back.  Goes a little something like this…

 One kidless summer afternoon, I was
on my way out to the store only to discover my *surprise* newly mowed
lawn.  My friendly afro-sporting neighbor
and his buddy were standing in his driveway and as I strolled across my freshly
cut grass to inquire about my lovely surprise I overheard them discussing the
Mavericks game.  I asked how the Mavs
were doing; they both sipped their beer and shook their heads in disappointment.   “Man, they’re doin’ terrible as usual.  Just can’t get their shit together for the
playoffs.”  I nodded in agreement
and then asked if either of them knew anything about my newly mowed lawn.  My neighbor replied “Hey man, it was Mother’s
Day the other day, so I figured, what the hell.”  I smiled and shuffled my feet a little before
offering a big “Aww, you didn’t have to do that. Thankyousomuch.”  He assured me it was no big deal and then
said “Hey, don’t that asshole mow the grass for you?”  Not sure which asshole he was referring to
since there is a rather unfortunate abundance of them in my life, I said “Which
one?  My ex?”  He choked on his sip of beer and laughed. “Nah
man, the guy you rent from”.   “Oh” I said, “nope, he doesn’t”. 

A couple more laughs and a slight
pause later they offered me a beer.  I
declined and said my goodbye, “Hey, thanks again for mowing the grass.  It really means a lot.  And hey, sorry about the Mavericks.”  They both shrugged and smirked and then the
buddy said “Hey, sorry ‘bout the asshole’s.”   Just an offhanded comment maybe, but to me it
was brilliant, and sincere, and needed. 

Sometimes I still replay that
moment in my head, just for kicks, only the buddy is a white guy with long hair
and a beard wearing a white robe with a purple sash and sandals.  Sometimes in my head, my afro-sporting
neighbor is standing in his driveway with Jesus.  And Jesus, with a grin on his face waves to
me and says “Hey, sorry ‘bout the asshole’s.” 
And it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to think that Jesus is
indeed genuinely sorry about how crappy some people can be sometimes. 

           Is that weird?  Oh
well. 

          P.S.   This is not to
say at all that my life is full of jerks. 
My life is full of people who are full of Love and Life really.  Lucky for me, (or maybe, probably, it isn’t
luck at all), I have an abundance of extraordinary friends- a fantastic, amazing,
super wonderful circle of loving, caring, kind, helpful, supportive, clever,
witty, beautiful friends.   You know who
you are.  Thankyousomuch. 

July 17, 2010

This Reason

184.1
    Sometimes something simply being the right thing to do is
not reason enough for me to not want to do it. 
Ya dig? 

    Sometimes I want things
that I am pretty aware are not the best for me. 
Sooo…  sometimes I have to find
other reasons to do the right thing.  Most
of the time those reasons are my kids.  This one Good Choice that I have a particularly hard time making is most
easily made when I think about my girls. 
And I’m not gonna lie, it is mostly Em that I think about when I am
trying to make this particular Right Choice. 
Partly because she is older and closer to having to make this decision herself,
but also because she possess a very sweet, naïve innocence and purity that to
be quite honest, blows me away.   I have no idea where she got it from, but I see
it in her and I treasure it.  I want her
to understand that it is a gift.  I want
her to understand the importance of herself, her heart, her purity.  I want her to hold it dear.  I want her to guard it.  I want to protect it in her.  And I want her to be honored.  I think these are probably things I am
supposed to want for myself as well, and I’m working on figuring that out.  But for now, This Beautiful Girl is all the Reason I need.

Pure

July 6, 2010

DIY: Replace Car Battery Connectors

Because if I do it myself I save money that can be spent on cute shoes and flirty skirts.
So I called up Paul and asked "What's the worst that could happen?"
"Well, you could get shocked and knocked down" he replied.

"Pssh, I've been knocked down before, I'm doin it."

And soooo…

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Step 1
Turn off the car, open the hood and disconnect the negative battery connector first.
The negative battery connector will likely be black or green or will have a negative symbol on it somewhere.
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Step 2
Disconnect the positive battery connector by using a wrench or ratchet/socket (usually an 8mm) to loosen the nut.
The nut doesn't need to be completely removed to lift the connector from the terminal/post.
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Step 3
While the cables are disconnected, sever the cable wire near the corroded terminal using a hacksaw or a wire cutter.

Check the wire for corrosion as well, and if it's severely corroded, trim away the deteriorated wire.

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Make sure the wire can still reach the battery after trimming.

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Before reconnecting any cables, strip off about in inch of wire insulation.

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Step 4
Replace the old connectors with the new connectors. Flatten the ends of the cable to make sure they will slide into the new connector.
Tighten the bolts and/or screw down to clamp the cable down in the connector.
Make sure the screws/bolts are in the correct place and are tightened completely so that the cable does not come out.
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Step 5
Place the new positive battery connector on the positive battery post/terminal.
Place the new negative battery connector on the negative post/terminal last.
Close the hood and start the car.

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Look out Target, here I come 🙂

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July 5, 2010

The Fourth with My Fab Four

Freedom and love

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