Archive for April, 2010

April 26, 2010

This Man

This one.

This guy that  you already know I am absolutely head over heels for…

Pauls 

A giant of a man in all the most wonderful ways and too humble to think that of himself…

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I got to spend a little extra time with him the last couple of weeks as he helped me in The Great Vehicle Hunt, and it just made me appreciate even more that God put him in my life.  He is just good, ridiculously intelligent, incredibly wise, all kinds of loving, so, so giving, caring, selfless, full of wit and charm and strength, devoted like you would not believe… I could go on for days really.  I will say this:  He has redeemed so much of my story by just being himself.  By simply loving me the way he does, he has increased my capacity to love and be loved.  He is just that great.  I came across something I wrote to him a while back…

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Hey Paul,
As my appreciation and admiration border adoration, I'm running through why you are so grand to me…
You've loved me the way not many have… Presumptuous maybe to say you love me, you haven't said it, but you don't say much anyways, so I’ll make my assumptions about our relationship from what I see in your eyes.  Your eyes full of truth speak volumes and I believe I have read love in them. I believe that you are good, I know it as a matter of fact.  So my appreciation and admiration might come with some assumptions but correct me if I’m wrong (and I will argue you I promise).  See what I’ve learned from you is that love can be right and unselfish… How you husband, how you father makes me know for sure- that there are good ones out there.  The standard has been set in the way you love me without caring what you get.  At your table, in your home my story has been redeemed… The first person I ever recall being protective of me, in your slight, natural way- you were.  And it was so foreign to me I wasn't sure what to call it and then when I realized what it was…  And as I realized how you cared… My mouth often full of words failed me in expressing gratitude and I stumbled over words of thanks and struggled not to cry…
Because you have changed my life and I’m not sure why…
But thankful I will ever be for all that you have been. Still not quite sure what to call you… The closest I have ever had to a father but that word for me is tinged with bitterness…  Mine was certainly not great, not even good really, and so I haven’t quite worked out exactly what a father is. He never smiled at me the way you do, maybe never smiled at me at all, and you do all the time.  It is your smile that has shown me so much.  If your eyes are the windows to your soul, then your smile is the door to your heart.  And I love it.  Love you and the way you live, calling yourself and others to higher things, making choices other wouldn't and don't because they aren't as strong as you. Your dedication and devotion as downplayed as they are, are demonstrations to me of how to be.  So you get my appreciation and my admiration that borders adoration. It is not much but it is all I can offer really- that and a tremendous amount of love. 

Love you so so much, always
Amber

 

 

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So as I am processing lots of things relative to these thoughts the last couple of weeks and working through the concept of “A Good Daddy”, I am overwhelmed once again with gratefulness for this man, this family, this Love.   God is good, all the time. 

Devotions

 

April 7, 2010

Not Fixing It

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Back to your regular scheduled happy fun mommy blogging soon, I hope.  Sunshiney happy me has gone on a little vacation.  She left a note of instructions for taking care of the kids and some emergency numbers, but her return date is as of right now, undetermined. 

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Wanna know something?  My internal monologue is very often an internal dialogue wherein positive, sane, me is trying to talk the other me out of doing all the crazy shit she shouldn’t do.  Most of the time I win, but not always.   

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Also…

Have you ever gone out to eat and ordered some nice big plate of yumminess and then when the waiter sets it down and says “Careful this plate is hot” you touch it anyway?  Like, first of all you know it’s hot right?  This is what you always get, and it’s always hot.  And the guy just said “Careful this plate is hot”.  Also, the damn plate is sitting right in front of you already, what’s the point in grabbing the edge and nudging it two millimeters closer?   Is it just me that burns my fingers every once in a while?

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Anyway…

This is what I’m good at- problem solving, fixing, rallying, picking up pieces, putting things together and then holding them together, macgyver-ing the hell out of life, being super positive, being super angry, going really fast, coming full stop. 

This is what I suck at- waiting, being patient, letting other people figure things out, giving things time, letting life happen, leaving stuff alone, holding off, middle of the road, medium paces. 

This is what I don’t know- how things will end up, why things are the way they are.

This is what I do know- Jesus loves me.  God’s love is perfect and unfailing. He is a MUCH better problem solver than me.

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And so, I am trying to reconcile all of these things.

 

And I am trying to lay all of these things down. 

Not quite there yet though.

 

April 6, 2010

Keepin It Real

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Look, I’m gonna be real honest here.  Sometimes I make terrible messes.  Sometimes I make terrible messes I know better than to make.  Often times when life does it’s swirly, stormy thing I get real close to the ground and focus and hold on and listen.  Most times really, there is praying and writing and resting and fighting and listening and working and striving going on over here.  There is intention about things as small as diet and exercise and sleep, there is quiet time on my knees, there is endless journaling and external processing, there is counseling and accountability.  The list goes on.  Point being: most of the time, I try to do the right thing.  But guys, sometimes it is too much.  Sometimes I am too tired.  Sometimes I am caught off guard by some sideways curve ball life throws at me and it knocks me on my ass.  And sometimes, I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I just dig my heels in and make bad choices because they feel good at the time.  And the last couple of weeks feel like a combination of all of those things.  Needless to say I am left with a bit of a mess to clean up. 

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And it is going to be fine, it really is.  But right now…  how does Paul say it??

Ah, yes-                                  

"It's hard to remember your original objective was to drain the swamp when you are up to your neck in alligators."

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Thank goodness for These Little Wonders.

They keep me grounded, make me want bigger and better, for me, for us.

Prayers love and positivity much appreciated.  And back atchya.  

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See you on the flip side.

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