Honestly?  If I dig really deep, if I think really hard, if I am very honest with myself, I know- If I am missing Jesus, it is because I am choosing to look in the other direction. Focusing on hard circumstances prevents me from seeing the really amazing things that are happening in my life.   He has never dropped me.  He has never left me.  He values our relationship highly.  And yet repeatedly, I drop Him.  I leave Him.  I devalue our relationship. 

Honestly?  I allow laziness and selfishness to keep me out of True Love’s arms.  I run to other places and people and things for help, knowing that all the love He holds is more than enough to sustain me.  It always has been.  It always will be.  I crave highs and take the lows that come with them because steady is uncomfortable for me.  Steady is what He is though.  But somehow good, steady, true and unfailing Love are not big enough for me. 

Honestly?  I’m arrogant.  And insecure.  The flaws I choose to see in others remind me of this daily.   Make me think I’m greater than somehow, and make me think I’m less than all at the same time.  Because the flaws that standout the most to me are mirrors of my own.  There are infinite beautiful things to see around me.  Nothing is black and white, no one is, but light is all around.  And yet my eyes and mind wander to the darker grays- searching and comparing instead of loving and affirming.

Honestly?   My lack of perspective has more to do with me not wanting to see than not being able to see.  My unwillingness to hope is a choice that I make.  Dwelling in darkness is too.  Self pity is an ugly ugly thing.  Sure things are rough sometimes, pain blurs my vision, hard things press in.  There is always Light to be found though.  There is always Hope.  It’s up to me to decide where to turn.  Just because a choice is hard does not change the fact that it is a choice.  I am not a victim of my circumstances.  My outlook is my choice. 

Honestly?  I am working on it.  And I feel like I will forever and ever be working on it.  But oh how I love Him.  I want to be better.  I hope that I am.  I hope that the circles I feel like I’m walking in are an upward spiral.  I pray that I am learning and growing in this struggle against self serving and self loathing.

Honestly?  He is just so good.  He just loves so well.  And that just draws me back over and over.  And every time I turn around and see Him there, I’m sorry I ever turned my back on Him in the first place.  Sorry it took me so long to realize that He’s been here the whole time.  Sorry to have missed out on a few minutes with Him, a few days, a few weeks, because I was too busy, selfish, arrogant, insecure and unwilling.  Never once though, not once when I have turned to Him, hurt, scared and sorry- not once has He refused me. 

Honestly?  When I lift my head, (and sometimes He lifts it for me), there is always Light.  When I turn to Him- He holds me.  When I look at Him- Love.  Every. Single. Time. 


One Comment to “Realizing”

  1. Thank you for saying exactly what I feel. It takes more than courage to admit that we turn from the place that we should turn to first. Your blog is so enouraging and spiritually uplifting. Press forward up that spiral stair case that leads directly to Him.
    Bless You!

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