Archive for January, 2009

January 26, 2009

Why Today Doesn’t Suck

What a yucky day.  Would've been easy to go along with the yuckiness I suppose, let it simmer in my brain and stew about yucky stuff like runny noses, and bills, and laundry piles, anxiousness about tomorrow, stress about today, and exhaustion from all this thinking.
Instead I decided to come up with some reasons why today doesn't suck.
1. Puddle jumping
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2. Bridget's leftover vegetarian chili and my birthdaycake milkshakes
Why food
3. This mischievous face
Why 007
4. Wearing my fuzzy slipper boots 'til 2pm
Why 013
5. Very intense coloring
Why 054
6. This little ham
Why 033
7. Best Pet Ever
Why 014 
8. My bookworm boy
Why 081
9. Gabe's "How to Make a Butter Sandwich" manual
10. Believing that I am a small part of a big plan
Why 042

January 20, 2009


Beware, this is just a random string of thoughts

In honor of our new president…
This guy was standing on a corner today, dress and all:
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And yesterday was my birthday.  We celebrated by staying in our jammies 'til 4 and decorating gingerbread men, because we're conventional. 
The kids made me notebook-paper cards and Gracey sang a never ending version of Happy Birthday sporadically throughout the day.  It was awesome. 
And then I went out for a little girls night.  A yummy dinner with old friends and new ones.  And a great movie, one of those hard to watch but beautiful films. 
And I am 27 now. 
But who cares, we freaking got a new president today. 
Did you hear that speech?! 
I love how he so eloquently said  "Come on, let's get our crap together.  We're in a hole, but let's climb out one step at a time.  And also, get over yourselves.  This is not about you, this is about a better world. Freedom isn't free.  Change.  Hope." 
I mean, I'm paraphrasing, you should read it

And of course, very self centered me took it all very personally.  As if, A-Rock himself were speaking directly to me, giving me my own personal little pep-talk.  Telling me I could change, he knew I could, he's seen me be better, he sees my potential.  But the whole point is- it is not about me.  Yes I have had a tough year, but who hasn't?  I said to Erin the other day that I was processing some hurt feelings, trying to validate them for myself and at the same time, wondering if they were even valid.  I'm trying to give myself some time and room to grieve hurts and losses while still keeping some perspective.  I want to be able to deal with my stuff instead of stuffing my stuff, but I don't want to get lost in it either.  So I am trying to look outside of myself more.  I'm trying to look ahead a little, trying to look around, trying to be less self centered and see the bigger picture.  Because if this is just about me, dependent on me, if this life is lived only for me, there is no hope. 
Thank God it isn't all about me. 
This whole world is dependent on hope, without it we are, well, hopeless. 

And this day is about change and this day is about redemption. 
Thank God for change and redemption, concepts that I am still trying to wrap my little brain around, but I understand enough to know that because Jesus died for us, it is not hopeless.
Thank God there is hope.  Not because one man is going to do it all, not because of who he is and what he says. It's not all about him either.  But his words today felt like a challenge not only to hope for change, but to work towards it-   
"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness." -Barack Obama

And Bridge sent me this quote:
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come."  ~Anne Lamott 

And these pictures are from a little walk I took today, because there is beauty everywhere, even at Walmart.
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And this kid was at Walmart today, collecting carts.  I think he looks ready for some change, maybe even hopeful. 
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I don't know.  I really don't. 

These thoughts are all random and only loosely held together by the thread of hope. 
But I trust God to weave Himself into my thoughts and yours, our nation's and the world's.
I'm thankful that He is, and was, and will. 
Hopeful that He will change those of us who want to change.
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January 12, 2009

Who We Are

I'm trying to figure that out.  Well, I'm trying to figure out who I am. 
It seems like a pretty fair question.  I'm 26, (not quite 27 thankyouverymuch), in the middle of a messy divorce, (is there such thing as a clean one), a mother of four (little windows, little mirrors that they are, ever reflecting my good and bad stuff), photographer (with terrible vision, but supposedly I "see" well), friend (surrounded by so much beauty in the friend department)…  What else?  At least a thousand other things make up my identity right? I like dark chocolate, and green grass, and I don't wear shoes unless it's absolutely necessary, I hate doing dishes, and I love old movies…  These are some things that I know about myself.  But there seems to be an increasingly long list of things that I don't know about myself.  Things I maybe thought I knew, or never realized that I needed to know, or didn't want to try and figure out.   The problem is, I want to take these questions to people.  I want to take the easy way out and just ask my friends what they think.  That is so dangerous though and I know it.  Figuring out who I am based on what other people think…  dangerous.  I guess it could work if I wanted my relationships to be performance based and fear motivated and if I wanted to be constantly striving and working for the approval of others.  But that seems like so much work.  And it seems so inauthentic.  So I guess I better take my questions to Jesus, as trite as that phrase seems, I don't know any other way to find these answers.  I could look inside myself I guess, but crap, I am wrong all the time about a lot of things.  And my kids, I want them to have an easier time at figuring out who they are than I did.  Right now they are constantly learning things about themselves, they are in this never ending process of figuring out who they are.  I remember what it was like, because it wasn't that long ago, that the five year old me ran from one adult to another asking if she was pretty, smart, good, lovable…  I was given lots of wrong answers about who I was from an early age, so I want to work through that stuff and be able to point my babies in a much right-er direction than I was pointed in.  And so I'm going to try to find some answers, or hear some answers, or read some answers.  For me and for them.  One thing I do know, I am loved.  I get that today.  Jesus loves me this I know.  He does.  He's been with me, held my hand and carried me, loved me through some amazing and terrible times.  He's the only Daddy I've ever known.  Yeah.  Jesus loves me this I know, thank God I get that. 

and the boys took these pictures, they are forever taking pictures…

these by Gabe, early one morning last week:
and these by Griff yesterday: 
I love that they each have their own little style's, their own way of seeing…
my little mirrors, my little windows…

January 7, 2009


…because I feel as though I've been handed a few lemons, but I think-

Let's squeeze these suckers, add some high fructose corn syrup and a little tap water, and shake this $%#& up. 

Today was the first time in nine years that I didn't bake a cake on January 7th- the captain's birthday.  Oh well, his loss, I make a damn good butter cake with chocolate frosting.  So instead of sitting home and sulking, we went out.  We went to the highlands.  And we danced, and we played tag, and hide and seek, and we went to the bookstore, and we read, and we walked around a bit, and we had dinner, and we had ice cream, and we danced some more. 

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and then Gabe asked for the camera:
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and then, more dancing:
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I am blessed to have these little munchkins working with me in this lemonade stand. 
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January 5, 2009

My Boys

Messes that they are, freckle faced little punks, gosh I love them so.  It has been a lively two weeks around here.  I'm sad it's over, all this movie watching, board game playing, tickle fighting.  It's been chaotic and loud. It's been rough having them all four home all the time, but oh I missed the chaos when they were gone.  It could've been a better holiday break I'm sure.  We could've had more fun.  I could've done more to make it happier.  And I wish that wasn't true, but it is.  I feel like I just survived this holiday season. I haven't been myself lately, whatever that means.  I barely took any pictures, just a few here and there.  These of the boys though, melt me.  It's the freckles I think.  The sweet stream of freckles running across their faces.  Or it could be their little boy jaw lines.  The soft shape of their face being straightened into the form that their grown up faces will be.  Maybe it's their eyes, more expressive and penetrating than they were last year.  Their knowing eyes, Griffen's like the sea and Gabe's like the sky. It might just be me and my mood that makes me fall into a puddle when I look at these, or it might be that my boys are just completely capable of melting hearts…  




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