filling

     Okay, so I don't recommend being pregnant over the summer and I don't recommend getting a divorce over the Holidays. Jeez it has been tough.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to be thankful for and merry about.  It's just hard doing all of the things we've always done together without him.  It's hard doing new things because he's not here.  It's hard doing things on my own when all of the other families have two adults shuffling their kids around.  It's hard spending parts of holidays alone because it's his turn with the kids.  And there was no part of me that guessed any of this would be easy, but there's really no way of understanding or knowing what it might be like unless you're in the middle of it.  And I am. 
    We are nearing the one year mark of when we separated.  Everything should be final by the beginning of January, around our birthday's.  Sometimes this year seems like the longest year ever and sometimes it seems completely impossible that all of this has happened, my life has been turned completely upside down in just a year. 

    Thanksgiving was wonderful and terrible.  We felt completely at home and happy at Amy's. The meal was great, the company was better.  It was perfection.  It was something different, and we all had a blast.  And then I had to take the kids to him.  And then I was alone.  And then I was at the Blinns, where we always go together.  We totally love the Blinns and The Blinn Thanksgiving.  We've always felt at home there, like family.  But it was hard to be there without my family.  It was hard feeling so alone in a house full of people.  
    We decorated our Christmas tree the other night.  It was Grace's first year to help, and he missed it.  And Griff stopped in the middle of hanging ornaments to draw something.  I asked what he was doing and he said "I'm making Dad a Christmas card".  And then Gabe did too. It was incredibly sweet and thoughtful.   But it sucks. 
    I know Christmas is about hope, and I have hope, maybe my next post will be about hope.  But this is just not what I had planned or hoped for, this is not what I worked or prayed for.  But this is what I've got.  And we are making the most of it, me and the kids.  We are dancing our booties off to Christmas songs, and making gingerbread houses, and cookies, and drinking a ridiculous amount of hot cocoa, and roasting marshmallows in the fireplace, and playing tons of Candy Land, and watching Elf repeatedly.  Life is still good, it goes on, and I will do whatever I can to make them know that they are loved, loved, loved.  And I will fill the void he left with as much laughter and hugs as I can.  But honestly, I am struggling to fill the void that is left in me.  

 

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