being carried

a couple of days ago when i went to get emma out of the van, i realized she was pretending to be asleep so that i would carry her in.  and i totally remember doing that.  i have a vivid memory of pretending to be asleep in the backseat of my car so that my papaw would carry me inside.  i remember wanting to be held instead of walking on my own, not just because i was too tired to walk, but because i wanted to be held.  i remember peeking through my lashes to see if he cared.  i remember hearing him and my mother snickering about me playing possum.  and i remember his big strong arms picking me up and taking me inside.  i remember the feel of his rough cheek against mine as he leaned in and whispered "i love you".  i remember the smell of him, sawdust and aftershave.  i remember relaxing into him and letting my arm hang down behind him so that it bounced with every step he took.  and i remember squeezing his neck as he laid me down to get an extra few seconds of being held. 

she did it again today when we got home so i grabbed my camera.  seeing emma sitting in her car seat, her little lashes fluttering, brought it all back.  and it made me think this might be what i am doing with God right now.  i might be pretending to be asleep so that He will carry me in.  i talked to a friend about it and we discussed how God does not always carry us in, sometimes we have to get up and walk in on our own.  i think sometimes we have to be big girls and work through our stuff and get up and go, and He will be with us, guiding us, there if we need Him, but letting us stand on our own two feet.  i don’t doubt that He would catch me if i fell, His arms are not to short to save.  and He has carried me before, a thousand times He’s held me close and whispered. 

for now i will carry emma.  i will scoop up her sweet little self and hold her and whisper in her ear and i will hold her some more.  and as she gets bigger i will watch her get up and go on her own, guide her and be there if she needs me.  i’ll let her stand on her own two feet.  my sleepy little princess girl… Sleepy


One Comment to “being carried”

  1. She is such a big girl most of the time with her purse and her jewelry and her lipstick. She is affectionate and beautiful – she is like you in so many ways. And I love both of you to the sky and back.

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