Archive for August, 2008

August 13, 2008

all four

we walked in to the grocery store tonight and this woman said "oh my goodness honey, are all four of those yours?"   let me just say, it is not that rare that strangers ask that, but it is pretty rare that i look at them and say proudly with a smile on my face "yes, yes they are."  generally i look at whoever is asking with wild, almost scared and very tired eyes and shrug.  because generally, they are wild and i am scared and tired.  the four of them kind of wear me out some days, and i am still getting used to the single mom stuff, but today i realized i am getting used to the single mom stuff.  we have settled into some kind of chaotic, offbeat, wonderful rhythm.  our days are not all the same, but they have some similarities.  we walk to the park everyday, cook and eat meals all together, we clean up together, we laugh together and at least once a day, we dance together.  the five of us are a little team.  an awesome, funny, quirky little team.  these four little rugrats are the best, most supportive team members, encouraging, happy little monkeys, scrappers and lovers.  i love that in this time of so much change and uncertainty, one thing is certain, we are all in this together.  so tonight when that woman looked at me and asked with a mix of wonder and fear if they were all mine, the kiddies were being wild and i was tired, but not scared, just happy and proud.  proud to be the mama of these four great little human beings.  i wanted to say, "yes, all four.  they are my team mates.  they are all four destined for greatness, and they are all four mine"  Allfour

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August 8, 2008

being carried

a couple of days ago when i went to get emma out of the van, i realized she was pretending to be asleep so that i would carry her in.  and i totally remember doing that.  i have a vivid memory of pretending to be asleep in the backseat of my car so that my papaw would carry me inside.  i remember wanting to be held instead of walking on my own, not just because i was too tired to walk, but because i wanted to be held.  i remember peeking through my lashes to see if he cared.  i remember hearing him and my mother snickering about me playing possum.  and i remember his big strong arms picking me up and taking me inside.  i remember the feel of his rough cheek against mine as he leaned in and whispered "i love you".  i remember the smell of him, sawdust and aftershave.  i remember relaxing into him and letting my arm hang down behind him so that it bounced with every step he took.  and i remember squeezing his neck as he laid me down to get an extra few seconds of being held. 

she did it again today when we got home so i grabbed my camera.  seeing emma sitting in her car seat, her little lashes fluttering, brought it all back.  and it made me think this might be what i am doing with God right now.  i might be pretending to be asleep so that He will carry me in.  i talked to a friend about it and we discussed how God does not always carry us in, sometimes we have to get up and walk in on our own.  i think sometimes we have to be big girls and work through our stuff and get up and go, and He will be with us, guiding us, there if we need Him, but letting us stand on our own two feet.  i don’t doubt that He would catch me if i fell, His arms are not to short to save.  and He has carried me before, a thousand times He’s held me close and whispered. 

for now i will carry emma.  i will scoop up her sweet little self and hold her and whisper in her ear and i will hold her some more.  and as she gets bigger i will watch her get up and go on her own, guide her and be there if she needs me.  i’ll let her stand on her own two feet.  my sleepy little princess girl… Sleepy
      

August 4, 2008

questions

we’re entering a new phase, we’re leaving some things behind.  we’re moving on and we’re moving out.  and in all of this change some things are being redefined.  some questions are arising, good ones, really important questions.  and because i am on my own now, it is up to me to figure out the answers.  it is up to me to find the truth, to decide what my truth is.

what’s my definition of grace?
the most important question for me right now.  grace is sort of the thing that i base my life on, as a follower of Jesus, understanding grace is crucial, everything else kind of revolves around receiving and giving grace. so, how do i give it and receive it?  and how does the giving and receiving of grace effect myself and my friends and family?  and what is my definition of family?  everyone’s is different.  when your family is not really present or helpful and your friends are, do they become your family?  who’s choice is that? and if it is a choice, is it family?  if you can choose at any point to opt out of a relationship, is that family?  if your choice to stay in a relationship is based on some one meeting your expectations, what is that?  and how do i call my babies to a higher standard without making them feel like they need to meet my expectations?  (because really my expectations should not be their motivation to do the right thing.  that puts a lot of unneccesary pressure on all of us.)  shouldn’t love be their motivation and mine?  shouldn’t their hearts be full of love? and aren’t their actions an overflow of their hearts?  shouldn’t mine be?  aren’t they?  how can I be a representation of Christ’s love without them getting confused when i screw up?  what will they learn about His love when i fail them? 

i am working on the answers.  i am seeking and i am learning.  and while i am still learning (and i hope i always am) i will just do the best i can.  i will continue to try not to do what i know is wrong while i figure out what is right.  and when i figure out what is right i will do my best to teach them.  because these four little hearts have been entrusted to me.  these four little souls are in my care and i am going to do the best i can to point them towards the only true Unconditional Love that i know.     Four_little_hearts

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